Seeking Feedback: BASH! UE Solicitation

[BASHMAN]

So I need to submit a "Solicitation" for potential retailers & buyers to read, to get them interested in ordering BASH! Here is what I've got so far, but I'm interested in feedback. What do you like? What would you change?:

Make the Hero you want to play!

Ever want to be a Superhero? All you need is a pair of dice, this book, and imagination! Streamlined rules make it quick to make a Hero, and easy to play. An ENnie nominee in for Best Rules, BASH! Ultimate Edition combines rules-lite mechanics with customization.

Character generation is so simple, you could fit all the info you need on a 3x5 card, but we included a sheet anyway. Do not assume that by simple, we mean incomplete. Bash has over 50 versatile super powers, a complete selection of skills, and even rules for collateral damage. The action is fast and furious, paced over a series of panels, pages, and issues, just like a comic book.

Features:
• Customize dozens of powers to make any sort of superhero from low-powered Mystery Men to Cosmic Heroes who defend the galaxy. Make the Hero you want to play.

• Play in a variety of eras and settings, such as the Golden Age or Silver Age of Comics, Sci-Fi superheroes, and more.

• Pick up and Play! There are dozens of iconic Hero & Villain archetypes such as the Brick, Martial Artist, and Blaster. These templates can be easily tweaked to quickly have a custom character, so you can jump right in and play.

• Run a game off the cuff! Lots of information is right at the Narrator’s fingertips. Hordes of Minions! Fleets of Vehicles! Random Plots & Encounters!

[MrJupiter]

Remember, these are just suggestions…

FIRST - Lead off with the question “Ever want to be a Superhero?” That one query pretty much sums up the whole reason I’ve purchased so many Supers games. That’s your attention grabbing statement.

SECOND - Move your first line “Make the Hero you want to play!” to become a heading above the Features as it’s a great lead into the crunchy parts of what make BASH so awesome!

THIRD – Change the wording of your first bullet point to “Customize all these powers…”. The word ‘dozen’ creates a smaller image in the reader’s mind of the number of powers available in BASH.

FOURTH – Nix the repetition of “Make the Hero you want to play” at the end of the first bullet point and replace with… “BASH even allows you to put your hero on a team with mixed character scales!” Why? 'Cause BASH does it better.

FINALLY – End off this solicitation with an invitation to purchase that is linked with the eye-catching lead… “Become your superhero - with BASH! Ultimate Edition”

All the rest of the text body is great. Don’t change anything else.

[MrJupiter]

Here's how it would look all put together:

Ever want to be a Superhero?

All you need is a pair of dice, this book, and imagination! Streamlined rules make it quick to make a Hero, and easy to play. An ENnie nominee for Best Rules, BASH! Ultimate Edition combines rules-lite mechanics with customization.

Character generation is so simple, you could fit all the info you need on a 3x5 card, but we included a sheet anyway. Do not assume that by simple, we mean incomplete. Bash has over 50 versatile super powers, a complete selection of skills, and even rules for collateral damage. The action is fast and furious, paced over a series of panels, pages, and issues, just like a comic book.

Make the Hero you want to play!

Features:
• Customize all these powers to make any sort of superhero from low-powered Mystery Men to Cosmic Heroes who defend the galaxy. BASH even allows you to put your hero on a team with mixed character scales!

• Play in a variety of eras and settings, such as the Golden Age or Silver Age of Comics, Sci-Fi superheroes, and more.

• Pick up and Play! There are dozens of iconic Hero & Villain archetypes such as the Brick, Martial Artist, and Blaster. These templates can be easily tweaked to quickly have a custom character, so you can jump right in and play.

• Run a game off the cuff! Lots of information is right at the Narrator’s fingertips. Hordes of Minions! Fleets of Vehicles! Random Plots & Encounters!

Become your superhero – with BASH! Ultimate Edition.

[BASHMAN]

Not bad, Mr. J. I think I will change "BASH even allows you to put your hero on a team with mixed character scales! " to say "BASH even allows every hero to shine on a team with mixed character scales! "

[MrJupiter]

Yes, definately. That's way better!